The King's Unromance
by pyrrhicvictoly
Summary: How things went down in the days leading up to the Maou's new engagement. A fractured fairy tale about dreams, destiny, and choice... and a different kind of happily ever after.
1. July 24

A/N: Yes, I've finally discovered how to complete a chaptered fic! Pretend that I'm writing a really long one-shot! This fic is nearly complete, so I'll be posting chapters as they get edited. Hopefully, I'll be able to get it all up as a snarky Valentine's Day gift.

Just as a warning, if you're looking for a wedding you'll be disappointed.

-----

**July 24**** – How Yuuri and Wolfram Talked Things Out Like Reasonable People**

There was a time when Yuuri and Wolfram had been very cute around each other. They would blush and refuse to acknowledge that they were crushing. They would teasingly insult each other and argue about everything and nothing, just to have an excuse to play-fight, and therefore get touchy-feely without admitting that they were getting touchy-feely.

Lately, as Yuuri approached his 20th birthday, he had felt Wolfram cooling towards him. It wasn't entirely one-sided, as he felt himself cooling towards Wolfram in return. Surprisingly, this wasn't a bad thing at all, as it had actually allowed them to become much better friends. Without constantly blushing around him anymore, Yuuri could actually go to Wolfram for advice and general companionship, almost like he did with Conrad and Murata. And Wolfram, who didn't feel the need to hide his attraction behind insults and threats of domestic violence anymore, wasn't jealously manhandling the Maou all the time, either.

It wasn't as if their relationship had died. Rather, it was just that it had evolved. Getting rid of the puppy love had allowed them to see each other for who they really were and, in general, they liked what they saw. Yuuri had the feeling that they were going to be great friends – friends for life, even – but he didn't know if he wanted to marry the other man.

He didn't know if Wolfram wanted to marry him, either. While Wolfram used to push the marriage issue, he hadn't done so recently. It was possible that he had changed his mind, and Yuuri now felt close enough to the prince to ask him about it.

The opportunity arose when Wolfram dragged him into the art studio for another portrait. Gagging through the scent of ground up bear-bee fecal matter, Yuuri had managed to pop the question.

"Do you love me, Wolfram? Romantically, I mean." He said this as seriously as he could, but it wasn't as profound as it could have been if he hadn't been choking through the words while trying his best to scoot over to the window for fresh air.

"Shouldn't I be asking you? You're such a wiiiimp--- Oh, move over!" Wolfram dashed over and stuck his head out the window.

Seeing no reason to endure the stench any longer, Yuuri stuck his head out as well. Both gasping for air, Yuuri smiled ruefully and continued their conversation. "Yeah, well…you know how slow I am about these things. So do you?"

There was a pause as Wolfram thought it over.

"It's enough," he finally whispered.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I love you enough. I've been learning to love you these past few years; I'll learn to love you more as time goes on."

"You sound…resigned to it."

"I am."

"But why? If you have to force yourself to see me romantically, then why do you want to get married? It's not like marriage is your duty." Yuuri was honestly confused.

"You don't understand, Yuuri. It _is_ my duty. You made it my duty with that slap. As much of a brat as I was back then, even I understood that one does not refuse the Maou. Whatever the Maou wants, the Maou gets, and I was, and am, honor bound by my pride as a noble Mazoku to give myself to the Maou."

"You sure don't beat around the bush, do you?" That was Wolfram, he thought. True friends stab you in the front. "Okay…that's sounding too much like the really cliché B horror movie virgin sacrifice to the Demon Lord thing."

"If you paid any attention during history lessons, you'd know that the 8th Maou was particularly fond of his virgin sacrifices."

"You're kidding."

"No."

"…Oh."

It was a lot to think about, virgin sacrifices notwithstanding. Yuuri had so many questions he wanted to ask, but they were swallowed down half-formed. Apparently, Wolfram was getting to know him very well, because he answered the unvoiced questions anyway.

"Ugh! Do I have to explain _everything_ to you?" Wolfram cut him off before he could protest, "No, don't answer the rhetorical question, idiot. Okay, here's how it goes. Marrying me will consolidate power for the Bielefelts, the Voltaires, and perhaps even the Spitzwegs, to some extent. It's all a political game. I won't lie to you, Yuuri. This is – _we_ _are_ a political match right now. Arranged marriages are still the norm among the nobility, and if you had proposed to someone below your station, there would have been much pressure on you to choose someone more suitable."

"Arranged marriages, huh. Like Anissina and that Rochefort guy. Or…Adelbert and Julia."

"We're really very lucky, though. We had the choice, and at least we care for each other very much. It doesn't always work out this well, you know."

"Hmm…" Yuuri grunted in reply. He nervously rubbed the back of his head, unsure of how to bring up his proposal. "It was more of an accident than a choice, but Wolf, would you…? Would you…?"

"Would I mind if we broke it off?" the blond prince smirked arrogantly at him.

"Geh! Stop reading my mind!"

"I wouldn't have to if you would just spit it out, wimp!"

"Brain-scrambling alien! I'm going to need a tin foil hat around you!"

Wolfram laughed in his face, and then looked mildly confused at his strange reference to Earth culture, but quickly turned back to the topic at hand. "I wouldn't particularly mind. I do have…feelings for you," he carefully felt his way around those words, "and I could see us being happy. This isn't like my mother's romantic nonsense. If we work hard at it, we can build a life together."

"With Greta…as a real family."

"Yes, that would be nice… However! I should warn you that if we break off the engagement, you're going to have your wimpy ass surrounded by suitors and I won't be there to beat them off for you! You're the Maou and you need to stop being such an indecisive wuss and just hurry up and make up your mind!"

"Right, I will, but stop calling me that!"

"I'll stop calling you 'wimp' when you stop being one! Oh, and Yuuri… If we do get married, and you _cheat_ on me, I will rip your balls off and twine them around your neck." He said this with absolute sincerity.

"Eeeeh?!"

Domestic violence really was scary, especially if your fiancé had a sword and knew how to use it – and when Yuuri was thinking about 'swords', he wasn't making any crude references to Wolfram's genitals _at all_. But, for the sake of his own, Yuuri finally made his decision.


	2. July 25

**July 25**** – How Yuuri Realized That Strong Women Run the Castle (and Sometimes His Life)**

"Oh! Oh, how can this be?!"

Gunter was in hysterics again. Yuuri calmly sat behind his desk as the royal aide paced around the room, clutching his head and wailing.

"Oh, Your Majesty, this cannot be! It is very nearly Your Majesty's 20th birthday!"

"Gunter, this birthday doesn't have any special meaning for the Mazoku."

"Well, no, it doesn't. But it is of extreme importance on Earth! Whatever shall we do?!"

"Gunter, it's not even all that important on Earth. All it means in Japan is that I can legally buy cigarettes and beer. And even then, there's been a lot of debate about moving that age down to eighteen."

"No, Your Majesty! Have you forgotten? The fact of the matter is, when you announced at the last dinner party that this was the year your Earth coming of age ceremony would occur, Lady Cheri insisted that this would be the perfect year for you to finally become a man and take her son in marriage! And now the engagement is gone! If she finds out, there's no telling what kind of matchmaking scheme that woman will throw at you!"

"Matchmaking?"

Gunter placed his hands on the desk and leaned toward his king with a most somber expression. "While I was not around to witness it, I have heard from reliable sources that Gwendal gained his first two wrinkles a week after his 16th birthday, when his mother cornered him into going on a date."

"It's that bad, huh?"

"Yes. Please, Your Majesty. You must keep this quiet for the time being. The nobles will be pressuring you to find a consort as well, so I would advise that you take this time to slowly show that you are no longer attached. Let them have time to adjust while asserting yourself as a more independent ruler so as to discourage them from trying to tie you down to one of their relatives."

Yuuri took Gunter's words into consideration.

Or he would have, if Lady Cheri hadn't chosen that moment to burst into the room.

"Hello there, handsome! I heard everything, and I'm proud to announce that I've already sent out invitations for a masquerade ball to be held on your birthday!"

"Whaaaat?! Ch-Cheri-sama, how did you find out? That's way too fast!"

She sashayed over to him, strategically shifting her dress to expose a little more leg. Giggling, she leaned over and whispered into his ear, "The castle has ears, Your Majesty. Besides, the entire nation has already been planning to celebrate your important day. We'll just be changing the stuffy formal dinner into something much more romantic!"

"Ahaha… Ha."

Yuuri was treated to a more-than-affectionate nuzzle as Cheri, who he grudgingly admitted was the hottest MILF in the history of the Universe, teasingly trailed her fingers down his shoulder. He turned his head to face her in order to escape her lips, which were too close to his ear for comfort, but she straightened up and put him eye level with her womanly bazookas.

Then she smashed his face into them. He really should have seen that one coming.

"Oooh, Your Majesty! This will be so grand, so exciting! I have to admit I'm a little disappointed that I won't get to welcome you into the family as a son-in-law, but at least now I can help both you and Wolfy find love! Oh! But if you'd really like to join the family, I suppose you can still hook up with Gwen or Conrad. That would be so cute! And if I were younger, I'd snatch you up for myself!"

"Mmmph! Hnnnnmmg!" he shouted into her cleavage. Not that it wasn't quite…titillating…but this was the mother of three of his friends! It was so wrong! He flailed. She squealed. He somehow managed to form a combination attack with Gunter to push her off while his advisor pulled.

"Please restrain yourself! Unhand His Majesty at once!"

"GunGun's such a party pooper!"

The advisor and the former Maou pouted at each other. Was it really too much to ask for a day to go by without any molestation involved? Yuuri's blushing face reappeared, and he had to cough a few times before repeating himself.

"No thanks. I think I'll pass on the hooking up. But, um, a masquerade ball? How does that work? Will it be like the one in The Phantom of the Opera?"

"Phantom?" Gunter asked in confusion. "No, Your Majesty, there is no phantom. In Shin Makoku, one may throw a masquerade ball for a young member of the nobility in order to find marriage prospects. The idea is that you will fall in love without ever seeing the person's face. At the conclusion of the ball… You will be expected to choose a consort! This is terrible! Your Majesty will be set upon by hounds! All the eligible lords and ladies will be clamoring for your glorious hand! Aaaah~!"

"Can I somehow get out of this?"

As Gunter was wailing, Cheri took the chance to step in and explain her marvelous plan. "Aww, and why would you want to do that? Things have already been set in motion, and besides, kings and queens get engaged and un-engaged all the time. In the past, it was quite common for the Maou to keep multiple spouses, or even a harem. It would be a boost to your popularity to let the people see you happy and in love. Wouldn't it be so romantic to lock eyes with a gorgeous stranger from across the room? Or fall in love with someone only to find out that the two of you were already friends?"

"I really don't see that happening. After all, I know all of your voices by now, and the hair styles are pretty distinctive."

"Don't be such a spoilsport, Yuu~ri. This way you won't have to put up with the Ten Nobles bickering over whose niece or nephew you should marry. Love is about freedom, you know. Free love! …And Anissina should be coming by shortly with the invention I've commissioned."

"Whaaaat?!"

As if on cue, the door burst open once again, and the Red Death herself appeared.

"Behold my newest creation – the Evil Mirror of Desire!" Anissina held up something that looked unnervingly like a gramophone and pointed to the wide opening of the cylinder. "The Demon Mirror attaches here, and instead of seeing just the past or future, you'll be able to see a more focused future – one that explores the possibilities of the psyche! I've managed to combine it with my Love Detector technology, and it will guide you to your secret passions while you're dreaming! With this, I'm certain even a confused young man like yourself will be able to figure out what it is he wants in a lover! In theory, of course, seeing as the Demon Mirror only works for the Maou and I have yet to test it on you."

"That's very…unique, Anissina, but I don't think I need to--"

"It also doubles as a music player. See, you wind it up here and it plays." She cranked the handle on the side and a tinkling melody came out of the cylinder.


	3. July 26

A/N: Dun dun dun~ This is where it gets cracklicious. The scene toward the end is what inspired this entire fic. I know, I'm obsessed with making fun of Conrad, but that's because he's freakin' hilarious and I love him. I actually laugh at his jokes, you know, because I'm stupid like that. (The one with Gunter = hug? Genius!) Anyway, updates will slow down a little after this because big chunks of the later chapters are getting rewritten to accommodate a change in the ending. Still hoping to get this all up by Valentine's Day, though.

-----

**July 26**** – How Yuuri Came to ****Appreciate Conrad's Military Uniform**

His eyes opened blearily and he stretched. Yuuri yawned and got up, looking around his room to make sure Wolfram hadn't sneaked in again, despite the dissolution of their engagement. Old habits were hard to break, and Wolfram had come in the night before, only to say, "Oops. I forgot. My feet carried me here before I realized where I was going."

There was no Wolfram. Much as he loved his buddy Wolf, he would never willingly subject himself to that kind of torture. Finally, he had his very own room! Now he didn't have to get kicked in the face every night! And the blankets were all his! As Yuuri glanced to his left, he spotted that thing. The Evil Mirror of Desire sat on his nightstand, untouched.

Yuuri had tried to push the thing away, but Anissina could be very persuasive when she wanted to be. He had caved, but that didn't mean he was actually going to look into it, hoping that it would show him his desires or something. After all, he was a young man, and he sometimes had embarrassing dreams. Even though they were vague and he couldn't describe them after waking up, he knew that he had a healthy libido. It would be extremely awkward to come face to face with, as Anissina said, "Your true love! The innermost secrets of your heart!" Besides, knowing Anissina, something was wrong with her invention and it might end up showing him his greatest fears, or it might not work, or it might explode and kill him.

Shuddering at the thought, Yuuri rubbed the sleep from his eyes and shuffled out of bed. As soon as he was dressed, a knock came at his door. A moment later, Conrad peeked in and invited him out for their daily run.

"Good morning, Your Majesty. Are you ready?"

"Call me Yuuri – let's go!"

Dashing from his room, Yuuri jogged out to the courtyard with Conrad close behind. All through their warm-ups and the run itself, Yuuri kept thinking about Anissina's evil creation sitting in his room and what he was going to do about this whole crazy engagement business. He had thought, rather naively, that breaking things off with Wolfram would be the end, but it turned out to be the beginning.

Yuuri stretched out his legs, cooling down from their run. They headed for the baths to wash off the sweat.

"Is something bothering you?"

"Haaa~ I'm surrounded by mind readers."

"I wouldn't say it was mind reading," Conrad chuckled. "It's just that you're important to us, so we pay attention to you and notice when you're acting out of the ordinary."

They stripped and waded into the baths while Yuuri thought of how to best approach the topic. In the end, he couldn't come up with anything, so he went with the straightforward tactic.

"I broke off the engagement with Wolfram," he said, idly flicking at the water. Perhaps it was rather childish, the way he still played around in the bath, but he had always liked his baths, especially if they were extra hot, and sometimes with a little rubber duck. Bath time was fun, and he was the Maou. He could be a kid in the bath if he wanted to, so there.

"Yes, I heard."

"And now there's going to be a ball on my birthday, and they want me to get engaged again, right away, and I don't really want to. It was weird with Wolfram when I first got here – because he's a guy and I'm a guy, and we're both guys. But then it was okay because he's my friend, and I just got used to how different the culture is here. Now, if I get engaged again, it'll probably be to a stranger. Maybe it'll be a really pretty girl, but it still wouldn't feel right, and I don't know why. I just don't think I'm ready for this kind of serious relationship stuff, even if I'm way past the age when guys usually start thinking about these things. I don't know. Am I making any sense?"

"I understand. Everyone does things at a different pace. It's not so strange to be an adult and still not want to settle down right away. And my offer still stands, Your Majesty. If you ever need me to whisk you away, I'll be glad to do so."

"Thanks, Conrad. I knew you'd get it. And call me Yuuri! You're not allowed to be formal with me when we're buck naked, having the all-important male bonding time."

With laughter in his voice, Conrad retorted with his standard, "All right then, _Yuuri_."

It was very hard not to smile, but Yuuri put on his most arrogant face and spoke with as much authority as he could muster. "I'm being serious here! Male bonding time is _sacred_. Your king commands you to never defile it again." He barely got the last of the words out before they both burst out into laughter, which _almost_ devolved into a waterfight, but didn't because Conrad was being stupid and proper again.

He was right about Conrad, of course. Any man who understood the importance of rubber ducks in the bath was bound to understand being young at heart, and thus wanting to steer clear of the ball and chain for another few years. The conversation cheered him up, and Yuuri was back to his normal, exuberant self in no time. Still, Conrad said some weird things sometimes…

The rest of the day passed as usual – signing papers with Gwendal and consulting with Gunter about new policies. Gunter wasn't in dramatics, but he kept staring at Yuuri with such sad eyes, like a kicked puppy. And Gwendal just sighed a lot whenever he looked at Yuuri, then rubbed his temples as if he had a bad headache.

It was only when he was alone in his bedchamber at night that Yuuri's nervousness returned. He had surreptitiously checked through the library for ways to get out of the engagement business, but unless he was a total douche and called off the entire ball, there was no way around it...that he had discovered so far. And if he called it off now, he risked being admonished by the court for being irresponsible, as preparations were well underway. If he _had_ to go through with this, then he would take all the advantages he could get.

Sighing softly, he turned the strange contraption around. He pulled back the sheets and slid into bed, then looked over at that crazy invention still sitting on the table, now with the Demon Mirror facing him. He almost thought he saw it start to glow as he fell asleep.

When Yuuri woke up, it was still night. It was also a still night, with no sounds to be heard anywhere, but that pun was so Conrad-like he felt shivers go down his spine. A pun that stupid had to be a bad omen of sorts.

Just like in the morning, a knock sounded at the door. Yuuri stared at it in trepidation.

"Uh…come in," he tentatively called out.

The door swung open in a shower of sparkling blue glitter. The figure who approached and stood before him was like something out of a fairy tale gone very wrong.

"Hello. I'm your Fairy Godfather," the man said cheerfully.

It was Conrad, and he was wearing a poofy blue dress that clung to him in all the wrong places. It was fitted snugly on top, outlining his muscles and showing that he had no cleavage whatsoever. In fact, the outfit was very tacky in that it was cut low enough to expose parts of Conrad's pectoral muscles. Blue fairy wings fluttered gently behind his back, sending showers of fairy dust swirling around him. He was even holding a little wand with a sparkling star on top. And…oh god, was that a diamond tiara?! All in all, there were just too many shoujo manga special effects for this to be Conrad.

"…What in the world is going on here?!" Yuuri blinked and rubbed his eyes, hoping against hope for the perversion-of-all-things-Conrad to go away. Go away! His heart pounded and he thought his face might get stuck in a silent scream if he had to look at this any longer.

"Hmm? It's almost time for the ball, Yuuri."

Ball. Conrad. Ball. Conrad. Nononono! If it was Conrad, he should have been invited to a ball game, as in baseball. This was absolutely wrong.

"No way! The ball isn't going to be held for a few days, and you! What's with the get-up?!"

"Oh, this is a dream. It's practice for the real night of the ball."

"How… Oh my god, the Demon Mirror thing!"

"Exactly. It's managed to send you into a distorted version of the future – to the night of the ball – where you will be able to interact with the participants without real life consequences."

"That way I can talk things out with people and maybe find a way to squeeze out of the engagement…"

"Or it's possible that you'll actually fall in love with someone here before you ever meet that person. The purpose of this is to help you find love, isn't it?" Conrad twirled his wand in a disturbingly effeminate gesture.

"Okay. That still doesn't explain _you_. And please stop that. Please."

With an indulgent smile, Conrad stopped the twirling and gave a neat curtsy. Yuuri started shivering uncontrollably.

"There's not much to explain. I'm your Fairy Godfather – your guide in this world. Your mind probably associates these events with the fairy tales you've heard, and the magical artifact that is weaving your stray thoughts into this dream narrative has decided to mix the image of your Godfather with the story of Cinderella."

"You're not even my Godfather! You're my Nazukeoya; there's a difference! ...I'm starting to hate my mind."

"Oh? And why is that?"

Fairy Conrad was still smiling, and Yuuri thought that it _would_ be just like Conrad to keep looking so calm and cheerful if he were ever stuffed into such feminine clothing. Sadly, that didn't comfort him at all.

"Because!" Yuuri burst out, "Yozak in a dress is pretty much par for the course. Wolfram in a dress isn't a big deal because he looks like a girl anyway. Gunter could probably pull it off, too. Gwendal in a dress would be absolutely hilarious because he's so gruff all the time, but not you! Not. You. You're supposed to be the sensible one!"

"Ah, well, since you're having a hard time reconciling my appearance here with the one in the waking world, perhaps we shouldn't go any further tonight. If you'd like to end the dream at any time, just concentrate on telling yourself to wake up. This is your dream, and although some things may get lost in translation between your mind and the mirror, ultimately, you're the one in control of your destiny here." His Fairy Godfather tittered at the end of his speech. Conrad did not _titter_.

Yuuri thought he was going to pass out in horror, but then he realized that he was already unconscious, so the only way to pass out was to wake up. "I'm never going to look at you the same way ever again, you know that, Conrad?"

Conrad only smiled his infuriating smile and said mysteriously, "Maybe that's not such a bad thing," then waved the wand, sending magical sparkles flying toward Yuuri's direction.

The sparkles wrapped around him as Yuuri closed his eyes and thought of going home. "If I had ruby slippers, I'd be clicking them together three times," he mumbled.

And then his eyes snapped open, and he was in his bed again. It was still night, but it wasn't a still night. There was the chirping of nocturnal insects (and the frightened pounding of his heart) that filled the air as Yuuri heaved a sigh. Then he curled up on his side, flung a pillow over his head, and groaned at that damn pun.


	4. July 27, part 1

**July 27, Part I – How the Demon Lord Became the Virgin Sacrifice (and Raised the Betting Pool on Who Would Get His Cherry)**

Anissina managed to accost him in the hall as he was headed toward the office after lunch, and, with an evil gleam in her eyes, excitedly bombarded him with questions. "How was it? What did you see? Did it show you your True Love? Am I a genius or what?"

"Eh...ah... Last night was just a test run!"

She narrowed her eyes. "And the night before? I thought that was the test run, hmm?"

"I did two test runs? I'm sorry! What I saw was really creepy and I don't want to talk about this right now!" Taking a page from Gwendal's book, Yuuri bolted and shut himself in his office before Anissina could react.

Gwendal was there to give him a glare and a grunt as he settled in to sign more boring documents, but when he picked up the pen and reached for the first piece of paper, he saw a cute stuffed parrot sitting on the pile. It was adorable!

"Wow, is this for me, Gwendal? Thank you!" Yuuri cuddled the small knitted bird and carefully avoided saying that he thought it was a parrot, because it probably wasn't.

With another soft grunt, Gwendal turned his head away so that his hair would obscure most of his blush. "It's a dragon," he mumbled.

"...Ahaha... Yes, of course. I can...see the resemblance to Pochi. Thank you so much, Gwendal!"

Gwendal von Voltaire, fierce General, the Maou's Chief of State, just blushed and frowned even more as he quietly whispered, "You're welcome," and pretended to be completely absorbed in his paperwork.

At that moment, Gunter came flying in with another stack of papers the size of Mt. Everest. Half of the massive pile went to Gwendal, who barely batted an eye, and the other half slammed down onto Yuuri's desk with a sickening thud. God, did he hate paperwork...

"Say, Gunter...?"

"Yes, Your Majesty?"

"Have you made any progress with research on...that?"

Gunter slowly took a deep breath to calm himself, and he almost managed to contain his sadness but for a slight quiver of his bottom lip. "I've gone through many records, but in almost all instances, the young noble is engaged to another noble at the end of the ball. There have been a few exceptions, where the noble chose a peasant who secretly entered the ball, or proclaimed that he or she was in love with someone who did not attend, but those have all ended in engagements as well! And the other two exceptions..." Gunter began pacing in front of Yuuri's desk, his momentary calm gradually being replaced by his usual emotional delivery. "In one case, the young woman was engaged to a dragon--"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Dragon?!" He stared suspiciously at Gwendal's little stuffed dragon.

"Eh...yes, Your Majesty. As I was saying, a dragon--"

"A dragon?! That's not even a Mazoku! Or a human! Or even vaguely humanoid!"

"Well, Your Majesty's friends Ryan and KG are together."

Yuuri immediately frowned, mouth opening in shocked horror. "I thought...he was joking..."

But even as Yuuri's mind had stopped processing, Gunter forged on. "Ahem. As I was saying, the young woman was engaged to a dragon. The last exception was actually the brother of the 13th Maou, who was also the Secretary of the Treasury. He proclaimed that he would always love his duty more than any spouse."

"That's brilliant! So I can just say that I'm too busy being the Maou, or that I'll always devote more time to the citizens of Shin Makoku than to my spouse..."

"N-no, Your Majesty. He ended up married to his job."

Yuuri smacked his palm into his forehead. Repeatedly.

"Oh, Your Majesty! Your beautiful forehead!" Gunter rushed forth to hold his wrists so that he couldn't smack himself anymore. "Please! This loyal vassal of yours pledges to find a way to help you keep your freedom! I, Gunter von Kleist, will follow you to the ends of the Earth and beyond!"

Gunter was holding on tightly to Yuuri's wrists, and he stared so earnestly and with such adoration. It was always a little unnerving to be the center of this gorgeous man's attention. Yuuri couldn't help but blush and squirm. He should have been used to this by now, but Gunter always went overboard with showing his affections.

"Hey, G-Gunter, you can let go of me now. Promise I won't hit myself anymore. Gunter?"

No, no one was home in Gunter's head. His eyes were glazed over as he continued to stare at Yuuri. It was while this scene occurring in the office - the elegant Lord von Kleist gazing longingly at his king, the Maou blushing demurely as his hands were held by his suitor, and Lord von Voltaire looking on with barely concealed disdain (or was that jealousy?) - that the maid walked in.

"Kyaaa~!" she couldn't help but scream.

Doria quickly shut the door and slammed her back against it, breathing heavily and trying to regain her composure. That blush on the Maou's face! Could it be--? A love triangle?! The Maou was caught in a love triangle with Lords von Voltaire and von Kleist?! Admittedly, those two had been ranking low on the betting pool lately... But then again, Lord von Bielefelt had been in the lead for a whopping six months right until they broke the engagement, whereupon speculations had run wild, the most popular theory being that the Maou could no longer keep stringing Lord von Bielefelt along when he was clearly madly in love with his brother, Lord Weller. Ah, forbidden love! After all, they spent all that time together in the mornings, "jogging", and who knows what they did in the baths yesterday? Lord Weller, the Maou's bodyguard, given the privilege of sharing the Maou's private bath! They had both looked much too cheerful when they had come out, too. Suspicious, suspicious...

Her thoughts were racing, but at least she wasn't about to hyperventilate at the sexiness anymore. Once Doria had managed to calm down, she smoothed out her apron and knocked lightly before re-opening the door. She wasn't sure whether she was glad they were no longer in a compromising position, or sad that she didn't get to see it again.

"Excuse me, sirs," Doria intruded shyly, "Lady Anissina wanted me to tell Lord von Voltaire and Lord von Kleist that she will be in need of your assistance later this afternoon, and that she will come by herself to acquire your...services... And, um, 'if you run away, I'll have twice as many prototypes the next time I find you,' is what she said."

When they heard the message, Gwendal's wrinkles doubled, then tripled. Gunter paled until his skin was as white as his uniform. And Yuuri, coughing awkwardly into his hand, looked first to Gwendal and the knitted dragon now sitting on Yuuri's desk, and then to Gunter, who had profusely gushed his love to Yuuri at every turn.

"Actually, tell her that they won't be available. No, actually, I'll tell her myself, and have a meeting with her instead."

With that, Doria nodded and scuttled out of the room. Gunter tried to protest, but Yuuri just led him to the desk and gently pushed him down with a "Help me with these documents, please?" and a little smile, and the man was completely won over.

He marched to the lab in dread. It must have been some sort of karmic justice for running out on her earlier.

"Anissina!"

For once in his life, Yuuri barged into her lab without the intent of rescuing Gwendal or Gunter from her nefarious clutches. No, this time it was to _prevent_ her from getting to them! The petite woman stood next to a large hunk of...something, her whole body covered in protective gear, and holding a blazing welding torch in her hand.

Did Anissina think this was shop class? Yuuri scooted back toward the door and shielded his eyes from the sparks. He had always thought Anissina's inventions were more like chemistry - poisons, magical perfumes with aphrodisiacs in them, the Cuticle-kun shampoo that made hair extra soft and shiny... And then once in a while there would suddenly be a giant metal thing, but he hadn't known where they were coming from. Apparently, she had fearsome welding skills as well.

"Anissina!" he shouted again, "I've come in place of your usual guinea pigs. I need to talk with you about the thing you gave me!"

The torch shut off after one last blast of bright orange sparks. Anissina set it on the table and flipped up the front of her welding helmet. "Yes, Your Majesty? You're here to help me test my new inventions?"

"...But I'm already testing your invention."

"Oh, so you are. And? How is it? You said something about being disturbed by what you saw. I had assumed you were just unsettled by coming face to face with your romantic or sexual desires."

"There's something wrong with it."

Anissina crossed her arms over her chest and sighed. "Hmm... Well, mistakes do happen in the pursuit of science."

"Yeah, well, I thought you said this was the Evil Mirror of _Desire_. It's not showing me anything I want at all!"

"Isn't it, though?" Bustling around the lab, she quickly whipped out a pen and paper as she shed the bulky protective suit. "Now, I won't ask for details, but did you see anything sexual? Perhaps a dormant fantasy that you're ashamed of, or a fetish of some kind?"

"No! There was nothing sexual!" Perhaps there was, if one was interested in those types of things. Not that there was anything wrong with differing tastes! But Yuuri's preferences just did not lay in the direction of men in frilly girl clothes. He'd had enough trauma from frilly girl clothes due to his mother. No, thanks!

"Well that's interesting... I had thought that combining the Love Detector with the Demon Mirror would... Oh, I see. Oh my..."

"What is it?"

"The Love Detector! It senses any kind of love, even Gwendal's love of cute things! The Evil Mirror of Desire must therefore sense all kinds of desire, as well! Oh, and here I was limiting myself to thinking only along the lines of romance. What is it you desire, then?"

"To get out of this alive?" he squeaked out. Anissina gave him a Look, so he added, "And hopefully still single?"

It still didn't explain the shoujo sparkles, but then again, he had the feeling that nothing ever would.


	5. July 27, part 2

A/N: Hello~ I'm sorry I didn't get this fic out on time, but it's still alive!

-----

**July 27, Part II - How Yuuri Discovered the Joys of Dating Sims**

That night, Yuuri decided that nothing he saw while delving into his own psyche could make him run away again. The chance of this being all his own mind's fault was pretty slim, anyway, since this was Anissina's invention. Some wires must have gotten crossed in the damn thing. (Or in Anissina's head, but he would never say that to her, not if he wanted to keep her from using You-Too-Can-Sing-Castrato-kun on him.)

He went to bed expecting to be thoroughly freaked out by everything he encountered in the dream world. Besides, he had to toughen up about this if he didn't want to hurt Conrad by showing a pained expression every time the other man came up to him.

"Have I done something to displease you, Your Majesty?" Conrad had asked, and Yuuri hadn't known what to say.

It was very uncomfortable to see the faint shadow of hurt in Conrad's eyes. Guilt had nagged at him as he denied that anything was wrong. After all, it wasn't like he could have said, "Yes. You were dressed like a fairy princess and it scarred me for life," even if that was true. He still wasn't sure if he would ever recover from seeing Conrad's muscular chest sticking out of a low-cut dress.

So, when Yuuri went to sleep and found himself in the dream world once again, this time he was anticipating the worst. The knock came just as before, and with a puff of sparkles, Conrad appeared before him, leaning against the wall like a supermodel. Conrad always seemed to have this thing for leaning on walls, but it had never looked so...flamboyant before.

"Good evening. Are you ready, Yuuri?"

"Yeah." He nodded resolutely.

"All right, then. I'll change your clothes as well as your hair and eye color." At this, Conrad twirled the wand and spun around, wings flapping happily behind him. He unleashed his fairy magic which suddenly transformed Yuuri's pajamas into a gentleman's finery.

"Wait!" Yuuri cried out. "Do that again, and get rid of the pumpkin pants!"

With another flashy barrage of sparkles, the disturbing leg-puffs were replaced with fitted trousers. Yuuri sighed. There were lacy bits and silky bits and too many buttons all over, but he'd been stuffed into clothes like these before, so there was no use complaining.

Conrad handed over a plain white mask, which Yuuri grudgingly put on. They descended the stairs together, or at least Yuuri descended. Conrad hovered along behind him, an inch or two above ground, and Yuuri could feel a facial tic start to form at the sight.

"Aren't you… Won't someone notice you?"

"Oh, no. You're the only one who can see me. I'll be watching over you, Yuuri. Just call if you need me." Conrad suddenly popped out of existence, leaving Yuuri to walk into the ballroom by himself.

He pushed open the grand double doors and was immediately bombarded with a cacophony of bright sights and sounds. It was quite overwhelming, even though he'd been to many parties in Shin Makoku over the years.

"Now what?" he mumbled to himself.

While he was looking around, a thought popped up. Maybe if he passed the entire night without dancing or socializing with anyone, they wouldn't expect him to choose! With that in mind, Yuuri headed over to the food.

He had just piled up a plate with fancy little hors d'oeuvres, and was about to retreat into a corner to enjoy them, when a gloved hand fell on his shoulder. He turned around to see a stunning woman looking at him. She was beautiful, with lovely chestnut hair that cascaded down her shoulders in shimmering ringlets. She had, he noticed, very deep blue eyes.

Yuuri truly might have found himself somewhat attracted to her...if she hadn't been looking at him with feral hunger the likes of which had never been seen outside of the African Savannah.

"H-hello, miss."

"Why hello, tiger." She ran her fingers down his arm. Slowly, sensually. "My name's Adele." They trailed back up. And then down. And then up.

Yuuri's eyes were fixated on her hand, moving up and down along with her as his mouth hung open dumbly. He turned to face her and tried to gather his wits, but every time he was about to speak, she would lean in much too close and bat her eyes exaggeratedly. Then he would recoil and his eyes would flicker back to her fingers going up and down. And up. And down.

Apparently, she got tired of watching him stare at her like a deer in headlights (or, more appropriately, like a gazelle having its throat torn out by a vicious pack of hyenas), because she started speaking again. "I hope I'm not being too forward, but I couldn't just let a stunning man like you get away. May I have this dance?"

Yuuri's brain never turned very fast unless it was to give him useless jokes and pop culture references. It certainly never turned fast enough when it came to coming up with proper excuses. "Ah. Eh. Sure. I guess."

"Haha! Yes! I've got a dance with the Maou!"

"Wait! How did you--?"

Adele's unexpected shout rang out over the crowd of party-goers. She grabbed his arm -- the one that she had never stopped stroking -- and proceeded to whisk him to the dance floor. But her proclamation had made it so that others were quickly gathering around them.

Yuuri tried to pull back, but it seemed as if she didn't notice. His captor was still smiling smugly as she pressed against him and brought his hands around her waist. Meanwhile, the mob was encroaching upon him. Any minute now, they would pounce.

"The Maou?"

"Over there?"

"Oh my god, it's really him!"

Screw propriety! Yuuri yanked himself out of her grasp and fled to a much less populated side of the room. Unfortunately, the hungry eyes of his admirers followed suit.

The whispers grew in intensity and the men and women stalking toward him sped up their pace. For every step he backed up, they took two forward. Yuuri, heart pounding like a cornered rabbit, looked around for an escape. And then. He.

Was backed into a wall. At the same time, Adele broke out into the front of the pack and started charging at him and Yuuri's already slow mind threatened to grind to a halt. "Aaah....eeeeh.... Oh, no! W-what am I going to do?! If this was a game, I could just reset!" The zombie horde kept coming closer. "No! Reset!"

Yuuri pushed open the grand double doors and was immediately bombarded with a cacophony of bright sights and sounds. It was quite overwhelming, even though he'd been to many parties in Shin Makoku over the years.

"What the--? That's kind of creepy. I guess I can actually reset..."

This time, Yuuri opted to go in the opposite direction. He inched his way over toward the corner farthest away from the buffet table, and it was only when he knew he was partially obscured by a hanging tapestry that he began to relax.

And then a handsome young man sidled up to him.

"Hello. I couldn't help but notice a cutie like you all by your lonesome. Would you like to dance?"

Think assertive, Yuuri! You're the Maou! Assertive! "N-no thank you. I'd really r-rather not." Okay, so it hadn't come out as strong as it had sounded in his head, but a "no" was still a "no", and a proper gentleman would leave it be.

Unfortunately, this man did not seem like a proper gentleman. His teeth were far too shiny, and he was showing far too much of them. Yuuri didn't particularly like the way he was licking his lips, either.

"Oh, my dear, please reconsider. I think you'll find my company just _ravishing_."

The last bit of Yuuri's patience snapped. No. No ravishing. "Reset!"

Again, the same scene. This time, Yuuri glanced around and carefully chose his target. On the other end of the buffet table, quite removed from the crazy woman and nowhere near the crazy man, there were refreshments and... Hallelujah! There, by the window, was someone he recognized! His plan of action went like this: sneak to the champagne, grab a glass, and sip it in comfort and companionship. It was perfect.

Until he tripped and fell to his knees halfway there. Yuuri picked himself up and silently congratulated himself on not falling flat on his face, but when he raised his head, his mask skidded off and hit a lady's ankle. She gasped and looked down before he could shield his face, and then before he knew what was happening, it seemed as if everyone was gathering around to take a look, and it was just like before!

Yuuri picked himself up as fast as he could, zigzagged around the food-laden tables, and scuttled into the only hiding place his panicked mind could find.

"Wolfram! Help me hide!" he hissed.

The blond looked over at Yuuri, who was peeking out from behind a brocade curtain. Only bits of his hair and one eye were visible. "You-- What do you think you're doing back there?"

"They're after me, Wolf! Th-the girls! Um, and the guys! I accidentally dropped my mask and they recognized me even with the contacts and the hair dye!"

"Of course they recognized you. There are statues and paintings of you everywhere. But that's beside the point. I already said I wasn't going to help you out, didn't I? After all, I'm not your fiancé, now am I?" With an arrogant toss of his head, Wolfram stuck his aristocratic nose up in the air. His arms were crossed defensively over his chest, and all in all, it made him look very sulky.

"Ah, Wolfram, I thought you said you didn't particularly want to get married."

"Of course not!" Wolfram snapped, "Who would want to marry a cheater? You're lucky you have enough good points that I was willing to overlook the wimpiness. For your sake I hope your _new fiancé_ will be just as generous!"

"Are you…jealous?"

"No!"

"Oh, okay then. That's good because— Eeeeh?!" Yuuri did a double-take from his spot behind the curtain. The girls had noticed him, and they were charging full speed ahead. Yuuri stood paralyzed at the sight of a horde of beautiful Mazoku women all screaming for his attention. They were going to eat him alive! He'd never again see the light of day! And coming from the other side were the men, quickly advancing with broad strides.

He shut his eyes tightly, preparing to be groped and fondled. He prayed to gods he didn't believe in. He prayed to Shinou. He asked Mt. Fuji to lend him strength. He…

"Back off! The wimp is mine!"

…thanked Wolfram from the very bottom of his heart. As the potential suitors left, frightened by Wolfram's angry glare and the way his face glowed an unhealthy looking shade of red, or maybe from the way his hand was glowing an angry, unhealthy shade of red that said it was about to burst into flames and take down any fools who dared to approach... Yuuri pulled his friend into a hug, thanking him effusively. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, Wolf! You're a lifesaver!"

Slap!

"We're reinstating the engagement because you're too much of a wimp to take care of yourself!"

"Nnnoooooo!"

Yuuri's cries could be heard throughout the castle. It was going to be a very long night.


	6. July 27, part 3

A/N: Oh, boy... This fic is just getting longer and longer. LOL. I wasn't expecting this when I outlined it and wrote the basic parts. Extra bits just keep wanting to jump in! But anyway, thanks to everyone who's been following along! Yozak makes his debut in the next chapter, and after that it's the grand finale!

-----

**July 27, Part III - How Yuuri Resolved Never to Play a Dating Sim Ever Again**

On subsequent resets, Yuuri quickly developed a set of rules.

**1.** Never make eye contact.  
**2.** Never smile -- it just encourages them. In fact, frown a lot, like Gwendal.  
**3.** Make sure that frown is a nasty frown and not a pout, because pouting = a fate worse than death.  
**4.** Gwendal. GwendalGwendalGwendal. This man knows what he's doing. Follow in his glaring, wrinkly forehead-ed footsteps and you will go far, grasshopper.

It wasn't long before the fourth step led to the fifth, which he thought had a chance of becoming his ultimate weapon.

**5.** Gwendal. Actually stick to Gwendal. Actually follow his footsteps to his table in the corner where he'll spend the night being stuffy and stoic and glowering at the passersby. Glower with him.

That was how he found himself ensconced in the darkened corner with his Chief of State, the two of them hunched over and glaring, radiating anti-social waves. Yuuri had latched onto Gwendal this time around and used the man's large frame to hide himself. He might have looked rather cute on their way here, with the way he had been peeking out from behind Gwendal, and usually Yuuri hated stuff like that. It dealt a heavy blow to the little bits of manly pride that he had left. But maybe looking like the cute-type-with-a-giant-bodyguard had been a worthy sacrifice because he had been left alone.

Yup. Things were going to be just fine. Yuuri broke off his grumpy face and flashed Gwendal a brilliant grin from his seat across from the other man. Gwendal just gave one of his soft, deeply troubled grunts. Yuuri couldn't see it from behind the mask, but he would bet anything that Gwendal's forehead was wrinkling up again.

"What's wrong, Gwendal?"

"Hn. Shouldn't you get out there?" He gestured toward the dance floor.

"No way! I don't want to get hooked up with some random stranger!"

Gwendal seemed puzzled, but Yuuri didn't understand why. He kept gently prodding at Yuuri with strange questions.

"So you're planning to get 'hooked up' with someone you know?"

"Huh? Uh, well, I don't want to get hooked up at all. Being with you is much better than being dragged off to my doom, you know?"

Gwendal was silent in contemplation. He turned away from Yuuri to regard the joyful crowd, and Yuuri had to admit that he had a very regal profile. Yuuri had always thought that Gwendal looked much more like the king than he did. His Chief of State was a very impressive man, and now that Yuuri was growing up, he was coming to appreciate spending those quiet times with Gwendal much more. And then Gwendal spoke again, and it snapped him out of his admiring thoughts.

"Not that I don't enjoy your company, but I believe you've already wasted enough time here. The last dance is about to begin."

What Gwendal said didn't make much sense. "But wasting time with you is kind of the _point_."

A slow waltz started playing, but Yuuri remained seated as he was. He looked at the graceful dancers and finally thought that he could really relax. Once the last dance ended, the nightmare ball would be over, and Yuuri could leave with a perfect gameplan for the real thing, all thanks to Gwendal.

It came as a very unexpected surprise that Gwendal seemed to have recoiled from his earlier statement. The large man turned his head away in much the same way as he had done in the waking world when he had given Yuuri the little stuffed dragon. Gwendal, hiding his embarrassed face, looked like he had something he wanted to say, but didn't quite know how to go about it. This was unusual for the man who always seemed to know exactly what he was doing.

Then the last strains of the violin melody faded out. The midnight bell started tolling ominously.

Before he knew what was going on, a buxom beauty was charging at him full speed and causing him to faceplant into her jiggly bits. Exasperated, Yuuri thought that this was becoming all too common of an occurrence. It would probably lose its impact very soon.

"Your Majesty~! Yuuri~! Con-gra-tu-la-tions!"

Yes, of course it was Lady Cheri. But as he managed to squirm out of her grasp, he had to wonder what he was being congratulated for. Unfortunately, he was still recovering, and thus unprepared, when she dropped the bomb.

"I just knew you would marry one of my boys! You take care of Gwendal now, you hear? He may act all grumpy wumpy, but he's such a sweetie! Oh, but I'm sure you know all about that." Cheri winked and giggled and shouted to the assembled crowd, "Everyone, our dear king is getting engaged! Let's cheer on the darling couple!"

Yuuri grimaced at the applause and turned to Gwendal for help. Gwendal just frowned and grunted as if to say, "I tried to warn you." It wasn't the least bit intimidating, though, since the man was awkwardly air-knitting and couldn't even bring himself to look at his new...fiancé.

"Oh, screw this. Reset!"

-----

Yuuri was getting seriously sick of this. Gwendal had said something about getting out on the dance floor, so maybe it was just that he had to avoid ending up alone in a darkened corner with someone. After all, it probably had looked a little suspicious for him to have spent the entire evening with someone in that kind of atmosphere.

He made up his mind to try sticking with Gunter. Yuuri steeled himself to approach Gunter, who was surrounded by a variety of ladies and gentlemen. It was... a rather different side to Gunter than Yuuri was used to seeing. This man was perfectly charming and witty. He chatted among the aristocrats with ease, sometimes bringing a lord or lady's hand to his lips before deftly pulling the lucky person out onto the dance floor, where his long silver hair would fly dramatically with his steps.

"Excuse me, Gun-- I mean, _sir_. May I have this dance?" Yuuri extended his hand nervously.

Gunter's expression immediately lit up in recognition. For a brief moment, there was that spark in Gunter's eyes that signalled that he was about to wail in happiness, but he somehow managed to hold back. Instead, he took Yuuri's hand and accepted the offer.

"It would be my pleasure."

Gunter whirled him around gracefully. His dancing was very refined; even more so than Conrad and Saralegui, the only other men he had ever danced with, really. Yuuri mumbled the steps to himself, "One, two, three, right turn..." He was sure his dancing looked very sloppy in comparison.

Soon enough, the music ended and the dancers returned to mingling with each other. It wasn't so bad... Maybe, Yuuri thought, he could charm his way through the night, dance with lots of people the way Gunter was doing, and then say something corny like, "Sorry, but I just can't choose! Everyone's been so lovely tonight, aha ha ha!"

Despite his plans to approach other people, Yuuri stood frozen with fear. What if those other people were like before? What if he went up to someone who ended up stalking him the entire night and then he had to get engaged to his stalker?! In the end, he just couldn't do it.

"Your Ma-- Excuse me. Sir, is there something wrong?"

"If...it's not a bother... Could I stay with you?" Yuuri bit his bottom lip as he pleaded with Gunter.

"Of-- Of _course_." He beamed back happily and took Yuuri's hand again.

At the conclusion of the ball, Gunter burst out into tears at the uncontrollable joy of being chosen by His Majesty. Then he wailed his unworthiness as he clung to Yuuri and dripped tears and snot onto the Maou's shoulders.

It was, to put it simply, a total disaster.

-----

No way! It couldn't possibly end up like this! It was completely unfair that spending time with his friends would mean that he had to get engaged to them!

Well, then he just had to stay away from anyone who could be considered a potential suitor. It was that simple! Yuuri looked around for someone, anyone! The granny over there? No, Mazoku didn't care much for age. That person with a-- Whoa, was that a horn growing from his head? He must have been from another race of demons that he hadn't met yet...

But no, not him, either. If another young noble had gotten engaged to something like a _dragon_, then Mr. Unicorn over there looked like fine, marriageable material. And then he saw her.

Greta.

She was sitting at one of the center tables. Sighing, Greta put a hand on her chin and looked longingly at the dancers. She was in a modest violet evening gown, with a matching mask and a flower in her hair. His little princess was becoming so beautiful!

Then a movement by her table caught his attention. An awkward teenage boy had started moving in. He was staring at Greta -- at his darling Greta! -- as if he wanted to dance with her or start courting her or... No! Out of the question!

Yuuri stalked over and strategically placed himself in his path, turning to smile at Greta. He offered his hand.

"A dance, my lady?"

Greta giggled and nodded. "Yeah!"

_Ha! Take that!_ Yuuri narrowed his eyes at the devastated boy. _No one's going to be making inappropriate advances on my daughter!_

They both laughed as they danced, and then Yuuri made sure to sit next to Greta when it was over to protect her from those hormonal rogues. He knew teenage boys very well, having been one himself for a number of years and having heard from the boys at school exactly what they'd like to do with cute girls like Greta. _D_o_n't worry, Greta! Daddy will protect you!_

He stayed with Greta for most of the night, only leaving her side to bring back food. For a little while, Greta had skipped off to talk to Gwendal and then Wolfram, but Yuuri made sure not to let her out of his sight. He was protecting his daughter's chastity!

That, and surely Shin Makoku had the incest taboo as well. After all, he'd never seen an incestuous couple before. Sure, there were some mentions of it in the textbooks when they talked about ancient times. There was even that thing about Shinou and Daikenja being half-brothers... But stuff like that had happened on Earth, too, and look at modern society! It was frowned upon in most cultures.

Yeah, Greta was the safest choice.

Then the shocked whispers came. "Oh, well she _is_ adopted!" and "Is it true that they're only five years apart?"

Yuuri was so stunned that he couldn't even open his mouth to shout the magic word. He just stared blankly at the gathering crowd, distantly hearing Greta start to sob. Then a blond head started bobbing up through the crowd and Wolfram burst out, charging at Yuuri. His angry ex-fiancé stopped before him and pulled his hand back.

With his catcher's reflexes, he took hold of Wolfram's wrist before the other man could deliver The Slap.

"Unhand me, Yuuri! It's the only way! Someone has to slap you to challenge her for your hand!" When Yuuri wouldn't let go, Wolfram's expression darkened further. "You honestly want to take your _daughter_? Just what do you think you're doing?!"

Yuuri smiled back grimly.

"Reset!"

And then he was back to the beginning. Yuuri's hand was still on the door as he stood in the position he had been in when he first entered this damn room. Everything was the same as it had been -- as it most likely _would_ be on the night of the ball. There was the hyena girl by the buffet table. Gwendal was glaring unhappily and generally exuding I Want to be Left Alone vibes as he headed toward his refuge in the corner, Gunter was charming the lords and ladies and whirling them around the dance floor, and then there was Wolfram, standing by the curtained window, sipping a flute of champagne.

He ran out of the room in frustration. Once out in the halls, Yuuri slowed down to a brisk walk as he headed outside toward a secluded area in the gardens. He stopped before a vine-covered bench.

"Conrad!"

"Yes, Yuuri?"

"Gaah!" Yuuri jumped at the voice that was suddenly behind him. "Jeez, don't scare me like that!"

"Ah, sorry about that. Are you all right?"

He had to pause to think about the question. Eventually, he decided to tell the truth. "No, I'm not all right."

"Sit with me, Yuuri. Tell me what's wrong."

Yuuri plopped down onto the bench, Conrad followed suit, and they looked up at the stars together. It always calmed him down, stargazing with Conrad. When he was ready, he spoke, and Conrad listened. He told Conrad all about his frustrations – about how badly he felt for turning down everyone, and how dating sims were the bane of humanity. ("I don't know what Shori sees in them! They're horrible!")

When he deflated enough, he told Conrad about how he sometimes wished he was also considered average in this world. That way, people wouldn't want him just for his looks or his political power or social status or wealth. He didn't want people (who he felt were a hundred times more attractive than he was) to be fawning over him just to get _things_ out of him, and he didn't want to drag his friends down by just _using_ them as shields against other suitors.

After a while, Yuuri ran out of steam. His chest felt much lighter, and he found that he could think about the night's events without anger. But then there was a new question that lodged itself in his mind.

"Hey, Conrad?"

"Yes?"

"Why aren't you in there, too? I mean, why isn't there a normal version of you in the ball? N-not that I don't appreciate you being here and helping me, but, ah... No offense, but the fairy version of you really creeps me out..." His eyes drifted to the neckline of the blue dress, and subsequently to Conrad's man-cleavage. Very, very manly. Then the dress. Very, very frilly. Yuuri decided to keep his eyes on Conrad's face instead. "I think I'd feel a lot better if there was a regular you to help me face this, the way you would in the real world."

Conrad's eyes widened in shock; his lips parted in a small gasp. Yuuri waited for an answer, watching as Conrad, who still looked absolutely ridiculous, thought it over. Eventually, his expression melted into warm reassurance.

"I don't have definite answers for you, but maybe it's because I'm already here and two version of me wouldn't make sense."

"Yeah, I suppose that could be it. But then again, nothing makes sense here."

"Then perhaps you just don't see me as a potential suitor."

That couldn't have been it at all, since he definitely didn't consider _Greta_ as a suitor. Yuuri had a suspicion that Conrad knew the real reason. He began to suspect that he knew the real reason, too, and that it was because if Conrad _had_ been in there with him, he would have latched on to his constant protector before considering any other option, and then they would have gotten engaged in reset after reset.

Conrad had once said that he would do anything to set Yuuri free. It was only right, then, that he did his best not to tie Conrad down with the ball and chain just to keep the sharks at bay. So he knew Conrad was talking nonsense, but he went along with it anyway.

"It's possible, I guess. After all, I keep trying to run away from those clingy people, but I never have to run away from you, huh? Ugh. I should stop running away, though, shouldn't I? Wolfram would call me a wimp if he knew how desperately I was trying to weasel out of yet another engagement, but I just can't focus on _falling in love_ when I know it comes attached to all sorts of political things, not to mention that everyone mobs me before I can find out what any of them are like besides the fact that they're all freakin' _hyenas_..."

At that, Conrad placed a comforting hand on Yuuri's knee. "You can't force love or hurry it along. It blooms at its own speed. I have every confidence that you will find it in due time."

"Exactly! You just said my exact thoughts, only a hundred times more eloquently!"

"Yuuri, if you believe strongly in this, then perhaps you should try standing your ground tomorrow night."

And with those words ringing in his ears, Yuuri woke up.


	7. July 28

A/N: Filler chapter is a filler. I'm not too pleased with how this part came out, but hopefully the last chapter will be loads better. (It'll have more crack, at least.) But hey, Yozak makes a cameo appearance!

BTW, I totally meant what I said in the beginning, you guys. There's an engagement in the next chapter, but it's not what you're thinking. Whatever you're thinking, that's not it. No pairings get 100% ruled out, but seriously, it's in the title. This is not a romance. Have I really been all that misleading? ^^;

-----

**July 28 – How Yuuri Finally Had Fun on His Dream Date**

Yuuri rubbed his eyes with one hand as he clutched his pillow in the other. He had woken up completely, utterly, 100% _exhausted_.

"That. Was the shittiest sleep I've ever had in my entire life; even shittier than the time I pulled an all-nighter to cram for a final." Yuuri turned around until his bleary eyes settled on the stupid gramophone thing and pointed an accusing finger at it. "You're bad for my health."

With that, he rolled over to bury his head back into the pillow.

When he finally managed to crawl out of bed, after dozing off again, it was already after noon.

"Huh. That's strange... No one came to get me?" Conrad hadn't come to get him for their customary morning jog, and Gunter hadn't called to see if he was ready for the day's lessons. Yuuri shrugged and got dressed. He figured he'd find out when he went out.

As soon as he stepped out, however, his stomach growled, reminding him that he'd missed breakfast and it was already time for lunch. Chuckling in embarrassment, Yuuri strode down the halls toward the kitchen to see if he could grab a quick meal.

When he arrived, however, the place was bustling with activity. The cooks and servants ran back and forth, hauling in casks of wine and boxes of produce, grains, spices, and wrapped parcels that Yuuri could only assume held fresh meats of some sort. There seemed to be more people than usual, which meant that they had hired temporary help for this event.

"Ah, 'scuse me, coming through..." He scooted around the workers, looking for something that would make for a simple meal. Usually, there would be a pot of soup on one of the stoves, or some bread and cheese left out for the servants' lunch break. Yuuri often ate with the servants, which had surprised them all in the beginning, but was now accepted as just one of their king's many quirks.

Today, however, the tables were so loaded with ingredients that it was hard to tell where one ended and the other began.

Effe was in the eye of the storm, overseeing the whole of the kitchen. She stood tall on a makeshift podium crafted from an empty produce crate, from which she was issuing commands like the demon drill sergeant of cookery. "You there! Take the extra flour to the north pantry! The beef needs to be marinated overnight! Peel those potatoes! Prepare the stuffing! Skin the chickens!"

Perhaps "demon drill sergeant" wasn't far from the truth. Did she learn those techniques from Gisela?

"Excuse me... Oh, sorry! 'Scuse me..." Yuuri bumbled his way toward her, only stopping to smile and wave people back to their work since they all insisted on bowing to him as he made his way through.

"Your Majesty!" Effe quickly patted down her apron and bowed to him. "What can I do for you, Your Majesty?"

"Ah, well... I was just wondering if I could get some lunch?"

"Oh my goodness! No one came to bring you a meal? I thought I'd told one of the new girls to send something to your office... I'm so sorry, Your Majesty!"

"No, no! It's fine! I overslept, so I wasn't in my office. It's not a big deal."

"Please, Your Majesty, if you would be kind enough as to wait in the courtyard, I shall bring your lunch shortly." Mortified at having left her king hungry, Effe stepped off and bustled her way into the middle of cooks. Yuuri lost track of her when she'd ducked in between two burly men wielding wicked-looking butcher knives.

"I guess I'll just go ahead, then." With another round of "excuse me, pardon me, coming through," Yuuri managed to make it through the kitchen's back door. By now, it was no secret to the castle's regular servants that he liked to do things outside. He liked having his meals outside when the weather was nice. He begged and wheedled until Gunter let him have lessons outside, too.

Yuuri took in a deep breath of the sweet summer air as he waited.

In a moment, Effe came out with a tray laden with fresh bread, fruits, cheese, and cold cuts. The chef bowed again and was about to excuse herself and return to her duties in the kitchen when Yuuri called out for her to wait.

"Ah, hold on, Effe! Where's everyone been? I figured Conrad might have let me sleep in today, but then Gunter should have come to get me for my morning lessons, or at least Gwendal should have sent someone to get me and then chewed me out for not looking over the documents with him..."

"Everyone's been busy all morning, Your Majesty. Lord Weller's been with the guards, coordinating the security for the event, and Lord von Kleist has been checking and double-checking all the guest lists and appointments for entertainers," she explained. "Preparations are being done in the banquet hall right now. Lord von Kleist is probably there with Lady Cheri to supervise the workers. I've no idea about Lord von Voltaire, though."

"Huh. Well, thanks for the food, Effe!"

"You're welcome, Your Majesty."

As she retreated into the whirling activity of the kitchen, Yuuri dug into his meal with relish. His mind, however, was frantically racing. Should he go to the banquet hall and ask to help? Should he find Conrad? Look around for Gwendal? Where was Wolfram? Effe hadn't mentioned him.

"There you are, Yuuri! Brother's been looking for you!"

Oh. Well, that was one question answered.

"Gwendal's been looking for me? Why? Where is he?"

Wolfram stalked his way up to Yuuri's table and took the seat across from the Maou. "He's in his office; he just sent me to wake you up, but you weren't in your room. Lord Weller tried to call you down this morning, but you wouldn't budge! Then Anissina said something about it being the influence of her invention, and that you had to sleep it off. What the hell are you doing with the Poison Lady's inventions? Do you have a death wish?!"

"Ah, that is... It's complicated."

"Hmph." Wolfram crossed his arms over his chest and snorted at Yuuri in disdain. "Whatever. Just be sure to get some actual work done today. I have to get back to helping the decorators soon."

"In the banquet hall, right?"

"Of course!"

"So... Wolfram..." Yuuri sent a probing question to his friend, who looked at him with suspicion. "You wouldn't need an extra hand in there, would you?"

"If by that you mean, 'Will I help you escape from paperwork?' the answer is no. Don't even try that with me. I'm not a pushover like Weller."

Wolfram sent one last mistrustful glance at Yuuri, admonishing him for attempting to shirk his duties. Yuuri chuckled nervously and returned to his lunch as Wolfram left the table.

-----

Yuuri flopped onto his bed, rubbing at the small of his back. He was cramping up from spending so many hours sitting at a desk! After lunch, he had peeked into the banquet hall and seen people bustling around, setting up tables and hanging decorations on the walls. Wolfram had been picking out paintings to go on the walls, but had glared over as he saw Yuuri trying to sneak in.

Yuuri had subsequently run for the hills. Meaning he ended up in the office, where Gwendal glared at him for being late and shoved some papers at him. Really! It wasn't just the brothers' smiles that were alike. Their glares were eerily similar, too. Thank goodness he didn't have to deal with Conrad's scary face on a regular basis...

Speaking of Conrad, he hadn't seen him at all during the day. As he lay in bed, though, Yuuri grimaced at the idea of Conrad's appearance in the dream world, and then he thought about the conversation they had the night before.

"Maybe I should stand my ground..."

The transition into the dream world went as usual. One moment he was ensconced in darkness, and in the next he was waking up in an eerily silent copy of his room. Yuuri stretched and pulled the covers off, waiting for Conrad to come get him.

Just as expected, Conrad knocked on the door.

"Come in!" Yuuri turned toward the doorway with a smile for his Fairy Godfather, but then... "Eh? Where's Conrad?"

"He's busy. I'm your Fairy Godmother~" Yozak's sultry voice grated through Yuuri's eardrums in the most unsexy way possible.

Yuuri looked over at the spy. He'd gotten used to Yozak's strange disguises over the years, from old men to rich merchants to buff ladies. Yozak especially had a fondness for the buff ladies. This outfit, however, was really extreme, even for Yozak. The lacy pink dress clashed horribly with his hair. The dainty ruffles and frills only served to highlight the sturdiness of his muscles.

But at least Yozak could pull off being a largish woman fairly well, Yuuri thought. Unlike Conrad. Or maybe it was just that Yozak went to the trouble of stuffing his bra.

"H-hey, Yozak. So you're gonna help me out tonight?"

"Yup! You betcha!" Yozak winked and, following in Conrad's footsteps, twirled and sent his magic flowing over Yuuri. Poof! And Yuuri was in his formal gentleman's finery again.

"Thanks, Yozak. But, well, I was just wondering if I could maybe try something different tonight. Would that be okay?"

"It's your dream, kiddo. You're in control of your destiny."

"Yeah, I got it. I just think my mind must hate me to make me dream this stuff up in the first place. That, or Anissina's more of a sadist than I thought."

Yozak placed a reassuring hand on Yuuri's shoulder and they descended the stairs together. When they came to the double doors of the banquet hall, the androgynous spy... er, Fairy Godmother winked again and disappeared in a puff of pink glitter.

Yuuri paused before the door just like he had the other night. He lay a hand on the polished wood, but didn't move to push it. What was he going to do to stand his ground? Would he bust in there and rip off his mask? Saunter over to the center and proclaim that he'd taken a vow of celibacy?

No, that would be a lie.

Would he just turn down whoever tried to get close to him? That could work, but Yuuri just didn't have it in him to be harsh, so he always ended up getting bossed around when it came to relationship things. Wasn't that how the engagement with Wolfram had lasted so long?

No, that wouldn't do either.

Would he... Wait. Did he even have to enter the ball in the first place? It was his dream, wasn't it? Technically speaking, if he was in control of everything here, he could bend the events to suit him as he liked.

As Yuuri thought this, he heard footsteps coming from behind.

"Good evening, Your Majesty."

With his hand still on the door, Yuuri turned around and saw Conrad, only it was actually Conrad. "Conrad? What are you doing here?" _Without sparkles, I mean..._ his mind tacked on.

"Ah, well you did ask why I wasn't one of your suitors, so I suppose I am now."

"Ha! You're really good at this charming gentleman act, aren't you? It fits you better than the tiara, that's for sure."

"I assure you, if I am, then that's the way you perceive me. After all, this is your dream."

"Yeah, yeah. But…you still know what's going on. You still remember everything, for some reason. You don't reset like the others."

"I remember because you want me to remember. Perhaps because you trust me to remember."

"Oh." That was...quite an interesting concept. "Well, I don't quite get it, but in that case, since we can hang out tonight, do you want to ditch the ball? I can do that, right?"

Yeah, he thought. They would ditch this stuffy ball and go play baseball or something. If it was his dream, he could make anything happen!

"Sure," Conrad said with a knowing smile. "There's a baseball stadium not far away. State of the art. Retractable roof."

"Whoa. Wait a minute! A baseball stadium suddenly appearing in Shin Makoku? With a retractable roof?!"

"Of course. It's your dream."

"This dream is awesome."

They grinned at each other for a moment, and then Yuuri finally took his hand off the door. Conrad held out his hand for Yuuri, and the two of them left the castle.

Once outside, Yuuri could actually see a baseball stadium! It was like a pipe dream! (Well, then again, it had _all _been like a pipe dream. This one was just better than the one last night.) But...wow. For once since this whole masquerade debacle had started, Yuuri felt that he was in control. It was like he'd had these powers all along, only he hadn't known how to use them.

"I'll race you!" he called out. Yuuri sped off toward the stadium with Conrad following close behind him.

Yuuri closed his eyes as he ran, and when he opened them, the dream world had shifted again according to his desires. He and Conrad were standing in the middle of the baseball field, with all the proper uniforms and equipment.

And they... played catch.

Because that was really all that Yuuri wanted at the moment.

"This is a really bad fairy tale," he said as they threw down their mitts and lay on the grassy field.

"How so?"

"Well, the Fairy Godmother is a man. That doesn't happen very often. Oh, and there's a Fairy Godfather, too, and he's a Red Sox fan. There's no princess. The Fairy Godfather ran off with the Demon King. You would think that meant they were eloping, but no, they just went to play baseball in a state-of-the-art stadium with a retractable roof. The Demon King is a Red Sox fan, too. Do I need to say any more?"

"This may not conform to the standards, but I rather like it, Yuuri."

Yuuri shifted onto his side so that his hand was on his chin as he looked at Conrad. His friend had both hands behing his head and his eyes closed. There was, of course, that gentle, secretive smile on his face, as always. "Yeah, me too. And you know what I like about the dream version of you, Conrad?"

"Hmm?"

"I never have to remind you to call me Yuuri!"

Conrad chuckled as he said, "This is your dream, Yuuri. You're in control of your destiny here. And…" He paused to turn towards Yuuri, a blindingly bright smile on his face. "Please remember that you control your destiny out there, too."


	8. July 29

**July 29 – How Yuuri Found His Happily Ever After**

"Hey, Yozak! Are you coming to the ball, too?"

Yuuri poked his head behind the pillar where Yozak was hiding. The spy had probably been sent to keep an eye on Yuuri, and he most likely would have ended up hiding in one of the balconies during the festivities. However, Yuuri thought it might be a good idea to let him join the party. After all, with what he had planned, he'd have plenty of guards around anyway.

"Oh! Aaah~ Looks like you've found me, kiddo. Am I losing my touch?" Yozak scratched his head sheepishly.

"Nah, Conrad and Gwendal are the ones who gave it away. Sometimes their eyes flick off for a second and I never know what they're looking at! It took me five years to piece together the fact it was you hiding behind these places!"

They were close to his chambers, and it was time for the evening's main attraction to begin. Many guests had already arrived, and yet Yuuri still hadn't gotten changed. No doubt Cheri would be sending someone to drag him down if he didn't show up soon. She'd definitely be watching for him.

Yuuri glanced behind him at the doors to his own room, thinking of how he'd have to stuff himself into the itchy formal wear. Then he turned back around to regard Yozak and tried his original line of questioning once again. "Are you coming?"

"I'd love to, but I'm sorry, kiddo. His Excellency's got me on guard duty, and he'll have a fit if I let something happen to you," Yozak said in his customary flippant tone.

"Don't worry about that. This is my party, right? I'd like it if you were there."

The young king strode off, leaving his guard in a state of shock. Yozak watched as Yuuri left for his room down the hall, and then he broke out in a slow grin. "You wouldn't mind if I wore a dress, would you?"

But Yuuri was out of earshot by then.

It was the night of the ball, and the man for whom the celebration was being held was firm in his desire to see it through. But it would be on his own terms.

After he had gotten dressed, Yuuri glanced down at the mask in his hands. It looked exactly the same as the one he had worn in the dream, and he wouldn't be surprised if everything else was the same, too. Well, with the exception of Yozak, maybe. He hadn't seen Ms. Biceps anywhere in the actual masquerade the past few nights, but he was sure she would make an appearance now.

That was proof that he could change the outcome if he set his mind to it. And with that thought, Yuuri tossed the mask onto his bed and made his way down to the banquet hall with his face in plain sight.

He stood before the double doors as he had done so many times now. This time, he could hear the musicians and chattering guests. He took a deep breath and-

"Hello, handsome~ "

It was Yozak, of course. What was unexpected was that he was wearing a dress that was suspiciously similar to his Fairy Godmother getup, but with the addition of a dainty, pink feathered mask. Yuuri had to stifle an inappropriate giggle.

"How do you do it? I mean, how do you put on makeup so fast?"

"Now, now... That's a trade secret!" Yozak winked and wagged his finger teasingly. Yuuri just shook his head in amusement.

"Shall we?"

He extended his hand to Ms. Biceps, and they entered the masquerade together. They must have looked quite the sight, with the Maou - and he was _obviously_ the Maou without his mask or contacts to hide him - and a very sturdy woman marching in side by side. Everyone turned to stare.

"Oh, hey, Gwendal's at that table in the corner. Hi, Gwendal! Hold on, we're coming over!"

Yuuri waved cheerfully and pulled Yozak along with him. To the onlookers, the Maou's lady friend looked like she was having way too much fun with this. Lord von Voltaire, however, had stood up as his name was called and was gaping at the scene in furious surprise.

"What is the meaning of this?"

"Your Majesty! Oh, Your Majesty!" Gunter came flying over as fast as he could, his silver hair streaming dramatically behind him. "Please, Your Majesty! Put on your mask! Why are you doing this?"

Lord von Kleist attached himself to the Maou's other side, and was completely pressed up against the younger man.

"Aw, come on, Gunter. It's because it's my birthday! I want to hang out with everyone!"

Yuuri grabbed both Gunter and Yozak, and pulled them over to Gwendal's table. By then, the stoic Lord von Voltaire had sunk back down into his seat and was busy rubbing his temples to stave off the impending headache.

"Your Majesty! Everyone knows who you are this way! It will ruin the most important aspect of the masquerade!" Gunter continued to wail his displeasure.

"Trust me, Gunter. Everyone would know who I was anyway. It's not as if these little half-masks are doing a good job of hiding anyone's identity, so it's better if I'm surrounded by enough of my friends that I'll have a full 360 degrees of protection!"

"Three hundred...? I'm not familiar with this expression, Your Majesty. Are you insisting that Wolfram fry our guests?"

"No! Man, I keep forgetting how weird math is over here. Just...it's a circle, all right? Like a wall. You guys all form a circle around me and cockblock anyone who tries to get at me!"

"Cock-"

"Keep them away from me! Besides, I'll have a lot more fun if I can talk to all my friends."

Yuuri beamed at Gunter, whose lip quivered as he tried very hard not to give in. But His Majesty was looking at him so pleadingly with his wonderful dark eyes, dark and clear as onyx in moonlight! Resistance was futile.

Around the time that Gunter drooped down into a sobbing mess, clutching at His Majesty's legs, Conrad had popped out from wherever he had been hiding and joined them at the table. They pulled up another table, rearranged the chairs to accommodate more people, and finally settled down into their seats. Then Greta bounded over to see what all the excitement was about, and Yuuri shouted and waved at Wolfram to get his attention.

That earned him a whap to the back of the head and a "Wimp!" followed by a lecture about how the king should just go through with his duty instead of coming up with elaborate schemes like these to break tradition blah blah. Yuuri didn't pay much attention because he was too busy feeling pleased at how well his plan was working out. Even Cheri had stopped flirting with all the handsome older men and sauntered over to give him a squishy hug.

Yup. This was exactly how a birthday party should be!

Unfortunately, Anissina also took this time to swagger up to him and inquire about her invention.

"So, Your Majesty, was my Evil Mirror of Desire a success? May I ask what you saw?"

"Yeah, I guess it was," he replied. "You were right about it not having to be romantic desire. I'm pretty sure my greatest desire right now is to just play baseball or something, because man, I love baseball." Under his breath, he added a few extra mumbled sentences. "I'm still not sure exactly what I saw, but it involved Conrad in a dress, so now I'm probably brain damaged..."

"You're getting engaged to my baby Conrad and he's wearing the dress at the wedding?" Lady Cheri was suddenly in front of him, placing both hands on his shoulders and staring at him so intently that he couldn't help but squirm. She had interrupted his train of thought with this earnest line of questioning, her eyes gleaming in barely concealed excitement.

A chorus of gasps immediately resounded from the small crowd around them, followed by not-so-secret hisses and whispers of "Damn it, I blew my extra spending money on a reunion with Lord von Bielefelt!" and "Aw, crap. I should have known not to bet on the super dark horse candidates," and "I knew it would be Lord Weller. Slow and steady always wins the race!" among others.

"No!" Yuuri flailed. He carefully pulled Cheri's hands away before continuing. "Where do you people come up with these things? You know what? This is my dream –- ah, life. Right. This is my life and I'm in control of my destiny! I'm not getting married until _I_ say I want to!" He raised his voice so that all the assembled guests could hear. "There won't be an engagement tonight!"

The crowd was silent. Dumbfounded. Yuuri felt his cheeks pink at their intense focus.

And then there was a single cheer. It was Cheri who shouted, "Score one for free love!"

"Yeah!" Yuuri shouted back, "Free love!"

Confused whoops and catcalls resounded, growing until the whole crowd was in. The people didn't seem to know why they were cheering, but they were. Yuuri turned to look at his friends. Most of them, like Wolfram and Gwendal were looking back at him in amused exasperation. Conrad and Yozak were vainly trying to stifle their snickers, though Conrad threw him a sympathetic glance as well, and Anissina just looked smug. It was almost like those three _knew_ something, and he wouldn't be surprised to find out that they had made a killing in the betting ring. But Conrad wouldn't do something as crass as betting on his king's love life, would he? Well, whatever it was, he was probably better off keeping his nose out of it.

Screw marriage! He wasn't ready, so he wasn't getting married. He didn't want to be insincere, so he wasn't going to enter into an engagement that would most likely end up broken again.

And so it was that the Maou passed his 20th birthday. If, in the future, he found his True Love... Well, that's another story for another time.

For now, all his friends were around him. Yuuri didn't need to go looking for his happily ever after because he'd had it all along.

The End.

...

...

...

Or not.

The party was over and the crowd had dispersed. Wolfram proclaimed that it was time to tuck Greta into bed, which had seemed to signal to everyone that it was getting late and they ought to prepare for the next day. Greta, though, had retorted that she wasn't a baby anymore and didn't need bedtime kisses.

"I'm already a teenager!" Greta stomped her foot.

"You're still our baby daughter!" Wolfram shouted back at her in his no-nonsense voice.

Yuuri figured she was just going through that rebellious stage, and if he really thought about it, her two daddies were freakishly overprotective and probably not helping matters. But then again, he was one of her daddies, so that automatically put him on Wolfram's side of the argument.

"Listen to your father, Greta," he said as he ruffled her curly hair.

"Um...yes, daddy?"

It was then that Yuuri realized he'd made a mistake. "I mean your other father. Listen to Wolfram, Greta."

"_Fine_, but this is the last time, okay? Beatrice's dad doesn't hover around her like you guys do, and she's almost four whole years younger than me!"

With that, Greta marched out of the ballroom. Yuuri sniffled a little at her departure.

"My baby's growing up! I don't want her to grow up, Wolf!"

"Oh shut up, wimp. I hope you know what you've gotten yourself into."

And with that, Wolfram walked out as well. Gunter remained by Yuuri's side, biting his lips and looking grief-stricken. Conrad was, as always, standing slightly behind his king, on the lookout for danger even now.

"Ahem," Gunter nervously cleared his throat in anticipation of an important speech. "Forgive this impudent servant, Your Majesty, but Shin Makoku's laws dictate that there _must_ be an engagement of some sort after every masquerade ball thrown for a young noble, no matter how soon you call it off... It will take a few months to repeal that law, a-a-and as Your Majesty has proclaimed love for... I can't say it! Oh, Your Majesty! I will draw up the papers to cancel this engagement at once!"

As Gunter fled the scene in a flood of tears, Yuuri felt a creeping sense of dread descend upon him. Wolfram's cryptic warning, and now Gunter... He closed his eyes and willed it away, but that didn't work. With a troubled frown, Yuuri turned pleading eyes to Conrad, oh Mighty Savior of Baseball and Jogging and Other Fun Things, but Conrad only gave him an apologetic smile.

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty, but it looks like you're engaged again. You can, of course, follow Gunter and start filing the paperwork to break this off as soon as possible, though there may be a waiting period required, seeing as you've just broken the engagement to Wolfram." Conrad then reached out to put a hand on his shoulder and continued. "But perhaps this might not be too unwelcome. As long as you have this engagement where your fiancé will not pressure you for marriage..."

Yuuri's eyes widened at the connotations. Gunter said he had accidentally proclaimed his love, and now Conrad was saying his fiancé wouldn't pressure him for marriage. Could it have been his plan had backfired in the worst possible way? Did this mean he was engaged to _everyone_?

What was this, some kind of harem anime?

No, no... Calm down, Yuuri... It was absolutely impossible for him to get engaged to everyone all at once! That was just- That was just crazy!

It that was the case, then... And his conversation with Anissina about his dream. And with Cheri. And the dress talk! That meant that he was-? That they were-? With Conrad-?

"Wait! Th-that's not fair! I can't just keep up another sham of an engagement! I mean, what about you? It wouldn't be right for me to use you like that just to keep away unwanted suitors. I could never do that to you, Conrad!"

"Your Majesty? I...don't quite know what to say..." Conrad patted Yuuri's back consolingly. He looked like he had a lot on his mind. It was that same look that Conrad got when he was ignoring his own desires to take care of Yuuri and do whatever Yuuri wanted.

Yuuri hated that look! Why did Conrad always have to be so noble? Even now, saying that this was okay just because Yuuri wouldn't be pressured into marriage? How could he say-

"There appears to have been a misunderstanding."

-that... What did Conrad say?

"...Eh? What's there to misunderstand? I got myself into another mess, and this time I'm dragging you down, too, right? This happened because I mentioned that you were in my dream, so... Aren't I engaged t-to _you_, Conrad?"

"Ah, well, not quite."

"Then...who exactly am I engaged to?"

At this, Conrad took in a deep breath and broke the news to Yuuri as gently as he could.

"...Baseball."

There had been the dragon and the sandbear. A man had gotten married to his job. And now the Maou was engaged to a sport. Could it be that the concept of marriage in Shin Makoku was inherently different from that of Earth?

There was a stunned silence until Yuuri gathered his wits and calmly responded, "Yeah. Hey, let's go find Gunter and fill out those papers. Much as I love baseball, I don't think this relationship is meant to be, either."

Sometimes Yuuri really hated his big mouth.

The End.

...

...

...

Or not.

As they headed up the stairs to the office, Yuuri could no longer contain his suspicions. "Say, Conrad?"

"Yes, Your Majesty?"

"Call me Yuuri! Yuuri!"

"Yes, Yuuri?"

"Yeah... Ah, you didn't by any chance... lose a bet to Yozak or commission Anissina to make... something?"

Conrad's eyes squinted happily as he said, "I'm sure I have no idea what you mean."

The End. (For real this time.)

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you, everyone! YES, THIS FIC IS (sort of) YUURI/BASEBALL. It's totally my favorite Yuuri/non-living entity pairing, followed closely by Yuuri/the space-time continuum.

Ahem. I should probably mention that this is a parody spawned entirely from all my pet peeves in KKM fandom, primarily the "Yuuri has no choice in anything, but that's okay because DESTINY" thing. The point of this story, besides showcasing the wonderful, under-appreciated harem, is "Damn it! Yuuri is his own freakin' person and he can do whatever he wants with this engagement shiz! Power to the Yuuri!" (Yeah, that's right. THE Yuuri, bitches. Y'all want some of this studly stud.)

So yeah, sometimes when fandumb annoys me, I go off and respond with 17,000+ words worth of crack-fic. And that's my take on things. Hee~

Thanks again for reading! I'm excited because this is my first ever FINISHED chaptered fic! Yay! :D


End file.
